"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
And will make the valley of Achor a door of hope."
Hosea 2:14
A few years ago Mitch and I began what has proven to be the toughest thing we have each gone through up to this point in our lives. We have experienced joy, fear, loss, sorrow, grief, and so much more. It has been a journey that we have both traveled together, yet also separately. We have grown both individually through it and also as a couple. It has brought us to a point in our lives that has made us the people that we are today. We have sought after God and He has been our hope, joy, peace, comfort, strength, and so much more through all of it.
He is our Rock.
All of this began with what most people experience as a joyfully wonderful time in their lives! But for us, it has seemed to be quite different. In April of 2011 we lost our first child. Words cannot express the difficulty encompassed then, because I was unaware that I was even expecting. We grieved, attempted to seek answers, but ultimately we were both left with that horrible statistic of at least '1 in 3' pregnancies end this way. We were told how 'normal' it was.
Time went on, and we went back to life as 'normal' as we could. I often struggled with the 'if' game. I would see a pregnant women and my mind would wander into thinking 'if' I were still pregnant that would be me, or I'd see a baby and think about that baby that we had lost. Someone I knew was expecting the same time as I was, and still to this day when I see a picture of her little girl I think about our child. Psalm 127:3 says
"Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward for him." Mitch and I both believe this to be true and long to have children of our own, and it was horrible to have lost a child!
One year later, in June of 2012 we were overjoyed to find out that we were expecting our 2nd child! This joy was mingled with many other emotions as well. We both told ourselves that we had already been a part of that nasty '1 in 3' statistic, so that this time would be different. We decided not to tell many people until I got further along, just in case. We were
so excited! I was making sure I was doing everything right. This time we would get to see and hold our baby full term! This time I would make sure I did nothing wrong and that this baby would be ok. We were trusting God to bless us, and we believed that this child would be that blessing. The first miscarriage happened quite slow, over a 5 day time span. So I kinda knew what to expect if something
were to go wrong, but we just knew nothing would. When I was 6 weeks along I was struck deep within when I felt one of 'those' cramps again. One of those cramps that I had felt once before. They just came our of nowhere, and after I arrived at the hospital to get checked I knew something was not ok. I knew that feeling, I had felt it before, and as I sat there in the ER doubled over in pain, I just knew. They sent me home on bed rest. They said to come back if things changed, and it wasnt long before we were back. Our second child was gone. I was admitted to the hospital for the night, and upon arriving back at home the next day the pain set in deep. We thought "
we were already part of that '1 in 3', how could this happen again?!" Even with this being our 2nd baby that we lost, the Doctor's still were saying that it was within the 'normal' ranges. They said it wouldn't be until our 3rd loss that they would start to see why.
That just didn't make any sense!
To say that the next 9 months were hard is the biggest understatement one could speak. I can honestly say I walked through a dessert place. I, for the first time in my life, felt distant from God. Not because I didn't believe He was with me, but because I just couldn't feel His love. I struggled with feeling broken, like I was unable to do what God made a women to do. I clung to Truth, the Word. I clung to the
fact that God was with me, because His Word said so and His Word is Truth. Each day was difficult, each day I had to choose to trust Him, to rest in Him. Mitch walked his own road of struggle. Seeing me go through this dessert place, feeling the need to be strong for me and help me through it. He was, and he did...it just was taking time. As the months passed, my daily struggle turned to a weekly one, then a monthly...God was teaching us both so much through this time.
The biggest thing I learned was that I am not in control. I had such pride in my ability to 'grow' a perfect child! I did everything I could and yet it still didn't work out. I learned from Job when he said in an act of worship to God in "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away, may the name of the LORD be praised."Job 1:2.
He is the giver and the taker of life! In Psalm 139:13 David says to God the "
You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mothers womb.". It was not in my power to make a child! That is the Lords job, and I reached a point where I had to give that up to God and trust Him to do what is only His job to do.
I decided that if I wanted answers I would seek them out. I began asking questions, and I began to get
some answers. This past summer we spent most of the summer in Idaho with family and friends there. We, for the 3rd time, experiences a pregnancy loss, very early on, but it was still a loss. I was blessed to be connected with a friend of a family member, who just so happened to be an OBGYN. I was able to talk to her and she gave me some answers that I had been searching for. She prescribed me a medication that she said should help me with the problems I was having, and said to take it if I suspected I was pregnant again.
The time came for us to go back to Ontario so we could start up school. I had that medication just in case, but we were not going to continue to try for more children until we could get connected with a doctor here. We were just going to take some time...
It was a couple weeks into classes that we found out a big surprise, and that surprise is that I am expecting for the 4th time! I started taking the medication that I was prescribed by the Doctor friend in Idaho, and I began taking things one day at a time. Mitch and I were excited, but very cautious. Pregnancy had turned into a very sensitive subject, that was associated with joy mixed with great sorrow and pain. We just wanted to make it to the 8 week ultrasound. That day came, and went with a beautiful picture of our little 'bean', healthy heart beat and all!
In the midst of all the joy we were hit with the reality of the frailty of life. As the weeks passed, we came to know of many friends who lost babies in the womb. With each discovery all of the pain and sorrow flooded back! We both have had to choose to take each day at a time, and to trust Him to do His will. We have had to choose against fear and live in faith, and that no matter what happened God would have His best for us come to pass.
The weeks passed, and today brought our 13 week ultrasound! We got to see our babies heart just beating away full force, it wiggle around and even stretched and summersaulted in the womb too! We are thankful that God has given us today, regardless of what happens in the future. Today was a blessing and we are so thankful to have seen our baby in this way!
"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
And will make the valley of Achor a door of hope."
God has used this verse to speak to me through this season in my life. He drew me into the dessert to teach me things, precious things. He spoke tenderly to me there, and I trusted that in His timing He would give me back my vineyard, that the 'Valley of trouble' would become a door of hope. Today I have hope.
Mitch and I both trust God regardless. God is good, and today He has given us a precious gift. We trust Him to take care of the rest... :)
